Family, Society

Wag More Bark Less

Leave a comment

I have not really said much about the current state of affairs. I love living in my safe bubble. I go to Mike’s Independent once a week or so, go to work and come home. Yes this is not the most exciting life, but it is a safe life. The last few years have not been easy emotionally with the losses endured. However overall we have been safe and happy-ish.

About two weeks ago B ended up sick, then me, now A. Just like everyone else in society these days, we were going through, it. I will not even say it, so sick of hearing and talking about it.

On one night with A, his symptoms were not controllable. We found ourselves in the ER. I can best describe the conditions at the ER like watching the first episode of The Walking Dead. It was intense and terrifying. I am a sensitive person and was deeply disturbed but what I was witnessing. This encounter popped my beautiful bubble. I was seeing first hand accounts of the addiction and mental health crisis. Seeing the pain and despair in so many.

Then my thoughts turned to the front line workers who are caring for society’s most vulnerable people everyday. The things they must see, hear, smell. Taking in so much and most are very young workers them selves. This all had me thinking of the intentions read at my Grandmother’s funeral.

Society is changing. While I do hope everyday for a rerun to normalcy. I am not sure we can. This world needs a lot of good. My hopes and visions of the future include a better, stronger society. So now I am going back to bubble changed by this experience, more aware and compassionate.

I have been listening to this song a lot during my isolation.
Family

Blink Once

5 Comments

My first baby doll was a Cabbage Patch Kid named Laura. I named her after my cousin who was a baby at the time. She is still in my closet, naked and stained with Vicks Vapour Rub. I loved being a mini Mommy, and 15 years ago today I officially became a mom.

I clearly remember the day. I was supposed to go to OHS committee training that day, it was frigidly cold out and I did not want to go. I went out to the couch in the morning to procrastinate going out and my water broke. I was so excited. Everyone was notified and off to the hospital we went. It was a beautiful birth story. That night at about 11:30 pm my first son was born. We had never been so proud or happy.

My son is now a 15 year old high school attending teenager. He is into video gaming, friends, animals and playing the drums. When he was in Pre K his dreams and aspirations were to be a race car, garbage truck driving rock n’ roller. Now his vision of the future is not as clear.

For his 15th Birthday we will be attending (fingers crossed) The Offspring concert. The concert will be an emotional event for me. It is at the same venue where my Mom dropped me off at my first concert at 17. I am officially experiencing the circle of life.

ps. Since I wrote this post The Offspring concert has been cancelled:(. Instead I will be dropping him and his friends off at the theatre to see a movie then home for pizza.

Love & Relationships

Secret Shortie

1 Comment

You do have no idea how vulnerable you can be in any given moment. You may think you are strong and not even see your own vulnerability.

“Two years of self doubt, and feeling sick when you see her out.”

He leant in to kiss me and with the only voice I could muster I said “please don’t hurt me”. It was a tiny voice, barely a whisper. I was so afraid, it was all I could say. His response “ I would never hurt you”, followed by a kiss.

I was in a blissful mania.

This was not supposed to be happening. I ran home trembling. There was no way I could sleep. A switch was flipped inside me, the room was spinning. I was feeling happy feelings, something very new for me. My life was full of sadness. One kiss all of that was gone in the moment. Maybe it was the kiss, maybe it was a bunch of events in my life leading to this but I was in a blissful mania.

After that I only wanted more, acheing for those happy feelings to surge through me. I wanted things to just happily fall into place.

My voice was apparently to tiny though and it did not take long for him to hurt me. I had been played. Fleetwood Mac was right “Players only love you when they’re playin”.

Wish I could tell you this is where I had lived and learnt. No I was weak and frankly embarrassed now at how long I let this go on. I clearly remember crying to my relationship coach and her telling me it was never going to work. It was fear driving me not love. I was afraid of failure. I did not think I could handle another failure in my life. So I kept putting up with his mixed hot and cold messages that left me back to where I started in a puddle of sadness.

Once I finally started seeing him for who he was through his actions, I started to feel better about my self. I also did a lot of work to systematically remove stress from my life during this time period. I was feeling better physically and mentally. I was seeing the positives in life, including what I had learnt from him good and bad. In my mind we were “a masterpiece that never found a gallery”.

This Valentine’s Day while I am home feeling lonely, I will listen to these 5 songs in this order to remember the experience. Thanking my lucky stars that I failed.

Uncategorized

Top 10 of 2021

Leave a comment

Happy New Year! What would a music blog be without a recap on the year it has been musically for me. I listen mostly on Apple Music and Vinyl, but the best way (only way I know how) to share it with the word is by YouTube. That being said today was the first time I actually sat down and previewed the videos that go to the songs I have been listening and falling in love with all year. What a wonderful experience, it took me back to sitting on my Grandmothers couch watching Much Music. Some songs I like more now than I did before.

Lets jump in with number 10, Emilio by Elliot Maginot

My favorite Radio DJ Odario says this song is best listened to with headphones

9. Frankenstein, by Claire Rosinkranz ; This is a super cute song by a young girl. Reminds me of building a vision board.

“Every little thing that I want”

8. (We like to ) Do it with the lights on by Islands; This is an up beat song fun to dance to. Would like to dedicate this song to my dear friend TJS.

7. Solar Power by Lorde; I like the song the video is a little over the top. I did listen to this song quite a bit in 2021.

6. Stay by The Halluci Nation , I really like the lyrics in this song.

5. Life by Mother Mother. I do love my Mother Mother, and they have done it again with Life. This song has a great message and the video made me love the song even more.

4. Build a Ship by Elena; Listened to this song a lot playing Love me Loves me Not.

3. Romeo by Charlotte Cardin. The entire album Phoenix was really soundtrack of the year for me. But this is just a top 10 so this is my favorite song on the album.

2. Chew Quietly/Clean Slate by Megan Nash. Megan Nash is a beautiful singer-song writer. So many songs on Soft Focus Futures speak to my heart. But this one lyric, “Parked car, I don’t want to go” is so relatable to me.

And finally down to the number one spot. Vintage By Blu DeTiger. This one was very easy for me to choose as number one. It has been playing on repeat ever since I heard it earlier this year on the radio. Thank you for those who have joined me for this musical journey through 2021. Looking forward to what 2022 has to bring.

Vinyl

Hey Daddy

1 Comment

Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats, Tearing at the Seams Deluxe Edition

With Christmas another vanishing memory. I have been thinking of the more memorable gifts I have received. Gifts that have shaped who I have become. There have been a few, but one that I loved dearly was my first ghetto blaster. It was a black Sanyo, double tape deck with a CD player on top and a yellow alien sticker that I placed on it. The CD I got with it was Dance Mix 93. While I am sure I was perfectly happy with Dance Mix music, and probably even asked for it, what I really wanted to listen to was in my Dad’s music cabinet.

You must know about my dad is that he is a bit of a techie, and always has the latest technology. So back in 93 he had a massive CD collection and killer 5 disc stereo system. His collection of mostly classic rock was what I loved and grew up listening to. Fast Forward now 30 years and I am a huge music fan. I thank my parents who gave me the gift of music.

Hey Mama

Now this year under the tree was a very neatly wrapped gift that I thought at first maybe was a calendar. When I un wrapped it to my surprise and delight it was vinyl for my collection, picked out by my Dad.

Not only was I excited to see Vinyl was even more excited to see it was Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats, Tearing at the Seams (Deluxe Edition). I have a few of his songs on my playlist but have not spent substantial time listening to an entire album. This beautiful album is a double deluxe 45 with a mini 45 with two bonus tracks. Also beautifully printed black and white photo book.

I will admit that I am a bit of a vinyl rookie and played side A on 33 the first time. I listened to the whole thing and thought this is trippy, thankfully I was not hemi synched. Once I figured it out I was loving each track. My favorite side is D, which has one of my favorite songs, You Worry Me. I have been dancing around my living room listening to this album all week.

You Worry Me

You seem tired today

Were you up all night afraid of what the future might bring?

I feel fine today

I’ve had dreams of you in places I’ve not seen before

Nathaniel Rateliff

This is my favorite lyric on the album so applicable to me these days. Because I do feel fine today, when everything around me seems to be falling apart I am rising like a phoenix. To all those struggling you will cross that road one day.

Another year and another very memorable Christmas Gift. Thank you Dad for your great taste in music.