Tag Archives: love

Family, Society

Wag More Bark Less

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I have not really said much about the current state of affairs. I love living in my safe bubble. I go to Mike’s Independent once a week or so, go to work and come home. Yes this is not the most exciting life, but it is a safe life. The last few years have not been easy emotionally with the losses endured. However overall we have been safe and happy-ish.

About two weeks ago B ended up sick, then me, now A. Just like everyone else in society these days, we were going through, it. I will not even say it, so sick of hearing and talking about it.

On one night with A, his symptoms were not controllable. We found ourselves in the ER. I can best describe the conditions at the ER like watching the first episode of The Walking Dead. It was intense and terrifying. I am a sensitive person and was deeply disturbed but what I was witnessing. This encounter popped my beautiful bubble. I was seeing first hand accounts of the addiction and mental health crisis. Seeing the pain and despair in so many.

Then my thoughts turned to the front line workers who are caring for society’s most vulnerable people everyday. The things they must see, hear, smell. Taking in so much and most are very young workers them selves. This all had me thinking of the intentions read at my Grandmother’s funeral.

Society is changing. While I do hope everyday for a rerun to normalcy. I am not sure we can. This world needs a lot of good. My hopes and visions of the future include a better, stronger society. So now I am going back to bubble changed by this experience, more aware and compassionate.

I have been listening to this song a lot during my isolation.
Family

Blink Once

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My first baby doll was a Cabbage Patch Kid named Laura. I named her after my cousin who was a baby at the time. She is still in my closet, naked and stained with Vicks Vapour Rub. I loved being a mini Mommy, and 15 years ago today I officially became a mom.

I clearly remember the day. I was supposed to go to OHS committee training that day, it was frigidly cold out and I did not want to go. I went out to the couch in the morning to procrastinate going out and my water broke. I was so excited. Everyone was notified and off to the hospital we went. It was a beautiful birth story. That night at about 11:30 pm my first son was born. We had never been so proud or happy.

My son is now a 15 year old high school attending teenager. He is into video gaming, friends, animals and playing the drums. When he was in Pre K his dreams and aspirations were to be a race car, garbage truck driving rock n’ roller. Now his vision of the future is not as clear.

For his 15th Birthday we will be attending (fingers crossed) The Offspring concert. The concert will be an emotional event for me. It is at the same venue where my Mom dropped me off at my first concert at 17. I am officially experiencing the circle of life.

ps. Since I wrote this post The Offspring concert has been cancelled:(. Instead I will be dropping him and his friends off at the theatre to see a movie then home for pizza.

Love & Relationships

Secret Shortie

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You do have no idea how vulnerable you can be in any given moment. You may think you are strong and not even see your own vulnerability.

“Two years of self doubt, and feeling sick when you see her out.”

He leant in to kiss me and with the only voice I could muster I said “please don’t hurt me”. It was a tiny voice, barely a whisper. I was so afraid, it was all I could say. His response “ I would never hurt you”, followed by a kiss.

I was in a blissful mania.

This was not supposed to be happening. I ran home trembling. There was no way I could sleep. A switch was flipped inside me, the room was spinning. I was feeling happy feelings, something very new for me. My life was full of sadness. One kiss all of that was gone in the moment. Maybe it was the kiss, maybe it was a bunch of events in my life leading to this but I was in a blissful mania.

After that I only wanted more, acheing for those happy feelings to surge through me. I wanted things to just happily fall into place.

My voice was apparently to tiny though and it did not take long for him to hurt me. I had been played. Fleetwood Mac was right “Players only love you when they’re playin”.

Wish I could tell you this is where I had lived and learnt. No I was weak and frankly embarrassed now at how long I let this go on. I clearly remember crying to my relationship coach and her telling me it was never going to work. It was fear driving me not love. I was afraid of failure. I did not think I could handle another failure in my life. So I kept putting up with his mixed hot and cold messages that left me back to where I started in a puddle of sadness.

Once I finally started seeing him for who he was through his actions, I started to feel better about my self. I also did a lot of work to systematically remove stress from my life during this time period. I was feeling better physically and mentally. I was seeing the positives in life, including what I had learnt from him good and bad. In my mind we were “a masterpiece that never found a gallery”.

This Valentine’s Day while I am home feeling lonely, I will listen to these 5 songs in this order to remember the experience. Thanking my lucky stars that I failed.